


The Aftermath Of Jeff Atkins And Hannah Baker

by njk19



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Brotherly Love, Family, Heartbreak, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suicide Attempt, mention of drugs, mention of rape, mention of selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:42:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19082452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/njk19/pseuds/njk19
Summary: AU. Everything is pretty much the same but Clay is gay. He was never in love with Hannah they were best friends.





	The Aftermath Of Jeff Atkins And Hannah Baker

**Clay’s POV**

I don’t know when I started feeling like this. I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t be in love with my friend. The one person who had my back since Hannah took her own life and throughout the tapes finding out the reasons for her death. It’s too painful. I know I’m the reason that Tony and Brad split up he was constantly ditching his boyfriend to look after me. Eventually Brad got sick of it and left. Now he’s with Caleb. For the first time in a long time Tony is finally happy. You just have to look at the two of them to see it’s the real deal. There’s not a chance I’m going to ruin his happiness. I never understood the saying ‘if you love someone you let them go’ but i do now. In the last few weeks I have distanced well no completely avoided him. Ignoring his texts and calls not that there was many probably about 3/4 in the last two weeks. Anytime I have seen him I have been lucky enough to get the hell out the way before he had a chance to see me. In the past I would like to think I would have probably had the balls to come out as gay and to tell him how I feel. The only people who know I’m gay is my parents, Hannah and Jeff. My two friends who I loved more than anything the only people I actually bothered with in and out of school. Now I have no one. I kind of like it that way. No one can pry into my business. No one can find out how truly broken I am. It’s easier hiding it from my parents because there both too busy working most of the time so slipping on my mask pretending everything is fine not letting them see any true emotion is the only way I can carry on. Justin is another matter since he has been adopted into the family we get on most of the time. We don’t really spend anytime together especially since he has his own room now only at meal times and when I can’t avoid sitting with the family. He hangs with his friends and I stay in my room most the time with the door locked. The few times he’s tried to get closer and get on better I shut him down. I can’t let myself open up to anyone. It’s like I know if I risk it the walls I have managed to build will come crumbling down. I hate seeing that look of hurt the times when I see Justin knowing he thinks I hate him and whatever else he is thinking. I love him he’s my brother I just can’t risk getting close to anyone or hurting anyone. In a way I’m glad I had to push Tony away too it’s easier not having to pretend. Getting out of bed I look at the time to see it’s 5am and that I have school today. Grunting in irritation I realise that I haven’t had more than an hour sleep. I quickly grab a pair of black skinny jeans with rips in the knees, a white Ralph Lauren polo shirt and my black Adidas sweatshirt. I shower quickly, get myself dressed and do my hair. I check the time to see it’s half 5. Knowing my parents won’t realise I’m not in bed as they leave before I get out of bed and are due to get up and ready for walk in half an hour. I quickly put my white 95s on check I have my phone and wallet grab my bag and quietly shut the door. I grab my bike and get the hell out there not wanting to risk my parents seeing me. I have a few hours before school so I stop off to get some coffee. As I make my way to a seat I see what is clearly a deal going on. Not being able to stop myself and knowing I have money. I walk over when the person buying leaves. I clear my throat the man tries to look intimidating but right now I don’t care I say ‘hey I just wanted to ask what your selling and if you have anything I can buy I’m desperate’. He looks sceptical but soon replies ‘coke’. I nod and say ‘so can I have a gram’ and pull out notes from my wallet. At the sight of my money he nods takes my money and passes me the coke. I go back to where my stuff is I quickly drink my coffee it burns the back of my throat. Throwing the cup in the bin I hop on my bike and ride to the nearest woods. As soon as I get there I pull a note out my wallet and my bank card. Pour a bit of the coke on my phone and crush it up. Rolling the note I sniff two lines. I wait for it to kick in. I go in my bag and pull a cigarette out sparking it up i smoke it. I feel my phone vibrate rolling my eyes I check my phone to see I have a text from Justin

 

* * *

 

**_Justin:_**  

_**Clay where the fuck are you???** _

* * *

 

 

I press the call button and wait for him to answer. As soon as he answers I hear him say ‘well where are you’. Laughing I say ‘couldn’t sleep thought I would go to the coffee shop not too far from school and sit there get some homework done for a bit. What’s up?’. Fuck knows what he’s doing but he’s making a shit load of noise ‘clay how the fuck do you find anything. Oh by the way I have borrowed some of your clothes. That noise was me trying to catch the chair before it fell. Anyways after school please can we go home and just chill I just I need to talk to you please’. It’s the break in his voice at the end that does it. Sighing I reply ‘Jesus Justin you do all the time. I’m pretty sure half my wardrobe is now in your room. Also yeah brother we can. I will order pizza when I get in for us we can watch movies spend time together just the two of us and talk I promise. I’m going to go now see you in school and please for fucks sake be good don’t get in no trouble or I will kick your ass and take my clothes back that you have stolen’. I hear laughing which makes me smile we say our goodbyes and end the call. I see that it’s 8 and decide to have one more line before I make my way to school. After I get on my bike and make sure I arrive 10 minutes before school starts so I can have a quick cigarette going round the corner to make sure none of the teachers see me. I quickly get one out my bag and light it up. Out of nowhere I hear ‘boo’ and nearly shit myself there and then sticking my middle finger up at Justin I tell him to ‘fuck off’. Justin being Justin decides to stays where he is unfortunately for me he opens his big mouth and decides to start talking ‘Jensen I didn’t know you smoked’. He sounds so shocked that I can’t help but laugh at him. Rolling my eyes I say ‘not many people do especially our parents so keep your mouth shut’. Nodding he says ‘can I have one’. Since I’m a nice fucking brother most the time I hand him one and my lighter. Once we are done we make our way into school saying our goodbyes I go and chain my bike up knowing I have maths I make my way to the classroom. Luckily that passes by without any incident and not having to talk to anyone. As I’m making my way to my next class I hear my name being called out I instantly know it’s Tony rolling my eyes I keep going hoping he gets the drift and leaves me alone or I’m fast enough to get to my class before he catches up. Unfortunately for me neither of those happen I feel someone grab my arm and turn me around Tony is stood next to Caleb. Tony sounds irritated when he says ‘hey clay what the fuck? You have completely avoided me for 2 weeks not once have you spoke to me what’s going on with you?’ I don’t know what it is that I’m angry about but I can’t help but let it get the better of me but also knowing if I’m going to keep Tony away I need to do this taking a deep breath i shove him away from me and say ‘for fucks sake Tony what do you want? Jesus Christ yes you helped me with the whole Hannah situation but it’s over now I’m moving on with my life. Thanks and that for helping me. But we aren’t friends never have been and never will be. So leave me the fuck alone!’ Giving him the dirtiest look I turn round and walk to my next lesson. I don’t turn around to see his face. I don’t even let myself think about what I just said. I know it was awful but it needed to be done. I’m in art and I only get half way through before I pick up my stuff and leave before the teacher even realises I’m gone. I head straight to the bathrooms. Making sure no ones in here I quickly go in a cubicle and sort a life out before I sniff it. Feeling high as fuck I unlock the door. Climb onto the sinks and hang out the window while I have another cigarette. Later on after school has finished and I have arrived back home. I sigh in relief to just be able to sit down and not have to deal with fucking idiots. I pick my phone up and order 2 12inch pepperoni pizzas and chips to share. Just as I put the phone down I hear what must be Justin coming in the door. I look up to see him coming into the living room smiling I say ‘hey’ to which Justin replies ‘hi I’m guessing you just ordered pizza’. Rolling my eyes I say ‘yeah so do you want to talk now before the food comes then watch movies or what it’s up to you’. I see tears gather in Justin’s eyes I stand up and hug him. As Justin’s crying I hear him croak our ‘talk now please’. I kiss the top of his head lead him to the sofa wrap my arm around him and nod my head. It takes Justin a few minutes before he starts to speak ‘I just please don’t be mad at me. I erm I um do you not want me in your family? Is that why you don’t barely speak to me no more? Do you hate me that much? Am I really that bad? I love you Clay your the little brother I never had even though there’s only a few months between us. I just feel like you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I’m so sorry I really am’. Never in my life did I think I would ever hear or see Justin break down sobbing his heart out infront of me. It breaks my heart I bring him close to my chest and whisper ‘I could never hate you. Idiot boy I love you too. I want you in the family. I’m sorry for being distant I just have a lot of stuff going on right now I promise to be better for you. Don’t you apologise you have nothing to be sorry for. But I do and for that I’m so fucking sorry Justin. I will be a better brother I promise you that doesn’t mean I’m going to hang with you and your friends at school though fuck that I don’t want a permanent headache. I promise though that we will deffo hang out more, watch movies, go out places just do stuff together your my big brother even if it is by a few months asshole. Love you jj’. Seeing Justin pull back from the hug smiling was worth it. I’m prepared to risk everything for my brother. He will be the only one I will allow to get close to me. The rest of the night is spent laughing, throwing food off each other and just enjoying being in each other’s company.

 

 

**Justin’s POV**

_**(A month later)** _

Ever since that night me and Clay have grown closer. I never thought I would be as close to someone as I am to him. I never thought I would have an actual brother before. But now that I do I couldn’t imagine life without him. I know that something has been bothering him for quite sometime and I just wish he would open up and tell me. Just let me help him. When he told me about Tony and him not being friends that he was just helping Clay get through the whole ordeal with Hannah taking her life and the tapes. I knew it was bullshit they got on so well hell to people who didn’t know them you would have thought they were a couple they were that close. Whatever is going on I know it’s big. Big enough to push the one friend he had left away. As I get home I’m just about to open the door when Matt flings the door open. Just looking at him I can see something is seriously wrong he looks so distressed. Putting my hand on his arm I ask him what’s wrong. He replies ‘I erm I don’t know how to say this.. I just he how couldn’t I have seen something was wrong for fucks sake. I just I can’t lose him’. Confused as hell at Matt as he isn’t making sense I hug him and ask what’s happened. He just keeps sobbing but manages to get out ‘me and Lainie we got home we was going to see if our boys wanted to have a family night. I heard music coming from clays room so I thought I would ask him first. Oh god I just how could this have happened my baby boy oh god. I found him lying face down in his bed with an empty bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of pills. He tried to overdose. There’s scars on his skin from when he’s self harmed in the past how didn’t I know he was suffering’. I feel numb I just can’t believe this is happening. I get Matt to the car and drive us to the hospital. Breaking a few speed limits here and there we make it in record time. We sprint into the hospital after finding out which room he’s in we make our way there. When we get there I see clay who looks deathly pale and has wires hooked up to his body. They said they managed to save him the pills hadn’t had a chance to get into his system that we just had to wait til he wakes up now his body had been through a lot. It finally hits me that my brother MY FUCKING BROTHER tried to take his own life. It takes everything in me not to scream, shout and smash things up. I just sink to my knees as the tears stream down my face. I hold clays hand begging him to wake up.

 

The next day. I wake up and am sure I felt Clays hand twitching underneath mine. I lean over the bed and beg him to wake up. My eyes fill up with tears again it feels like all I have done is cry. Clays eyes flutter open and I shit you not it’s the best thing I have seen in my life. Taking a deep breath I bend down and hug him sobbing. Matt and Lainie had went for some coffee. I just have to ask before they get back. Clearing my throat I say ‘why clay why’. He mouths ‘water’ so I hold his cup while he drinks from a straw once he’s done he sits up and says ‘I’m so fucking sorry. I regretted it as soon as I took them. Everything’s fucked up justin and I don’t know what to do. Mam, Dad, Jeff and Hannah were the only ones that knew I’m gay. Jeff and me were really close we had feelings for each other we were going to go on a date the day after the party. I really fucking liked him, at the party I had my first kiss with him we stayed were no one could see us just cuddled up having a laugh. It was so nice it was the first time I ever thought you know maybe I can be truly happy with him. We never even got our first date. He was taken away from me. I loved him and he loved me we should have been able to have a life together. He died before we had any real time together. He was everything to me. I lost him. It hurts so much the only ones who knew about the way we felt about each other were his parents and Hannah. Everyone else was oblivious. It felt like my heart had been ripped out when he was taken away from me. Then 9 month later Hannah took her own life. She was my best friend. My sister from another mister. She helped me so fucking much when Jeff was taken away from me. She would come over to ours and just stroke my hair while I told her all about Jeff and the memories we shared together. When things got too rough she would help me take my mind off shit. She just always knew what to do. She was the only friend I had left. It broke me when I found out she was dead. I couldn’t cope I started self harming when I found out about the tapes Tony helped me get through everything. I was so close to just jumping off a cliff but he stopped me. He would be there for me all the time constantly. Hell his boyfriend at the time left him because of me. When I went to confront Bryce I got the evidence I needed. I was so happy you know I wanted him to suffer. He didn’t just beat me up that night. He kept hitting me until I was barely conscious. I think I passed out because the next thing I remember is my pants and boxers being pulled down to my ankles and Bryce on top of me. It hurt so fucking much. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. It felt like I was being ripped open. He said he was showing me what the girls got. That a dirty faggot like me probably liked it. I kept begging him to stop I couldn’t do anything he was too strong and I was struggling to stay conscious after the beating he gave me. It felt like it went on forever. When I managed to get away and got home. It was fucking horrific. The pain was so bad. I went to get in the shower I just felt so fucking dirty you know. There was so much blood. When I managed to get in the shower and clean myself up it was awful. I spent hours in there scrubbing myself to get him off my skin. He broke me that night. I never thought I could be more broken than what I already was after losing Jeff and Hannah. But fucking hell I was completely broken. Just a shell of the person I once was. I was too ashamed to tell anyone so I kept it to myself. I tried getting help. I found this group thing for people who had been raped. It was all women one of them said that I shouldn’t be there that boys can’t get raped I got up and walked out. But she’s right. Boys can’t get raped. After that I tried pushing everyone away without anyone realising just how fucking destroyed I was. Tony just was always there I kept being friends with him but kept him at arms length. It’s been a year and 9 months since Jeff died. A year since Hannah died and everything that’s happened. Around 2 month ago I realised that I had feelings for Tony. I made sure to push him away for good. I couldn’t even if I wanted to and he ever did I couldn’t be with him. It would feel like I was betraying Jeff and also Bryce made sure to break me to the point where the thought of anyone going near me like that ever again makes me ill. He’s happy now he has Caleb you just have to look at them together to see how they light up around each other. Never would I want to break that up. They are the real deal. You know the saying if you love someone you let them go that’s what I done. What I had to do in order for him to be happy. To not have to constantly choose between his boyfriend and his needy friend. I want it to stay that way. Right now I can’t be friends with him. I need to focus on myself. Not him. Maybe one day if he can forgive me when I can get the fuck over these stupid feelings I would like to be friends. But until then it can’t happen. I have to continue acting like he was never anything to me. Not even a friend. I just please don’t say anything to anyone. Especially our parents I want to be able to tell people when I’m ready’. I’m gobsmacked hearing everything that happened I don’t know what to say I shake my head with tears streaming down my face. Seeing clay has tears running down his face I hug him and say ‘I’m sorry and I love you’. We are interrupted by the curtain moving. Thinking it is Matt and Lainie I’m shocked to see it’s Tony. Not knowing whether he heard what was said or not I start to panic. I turn to see Clay is fast asleep and hasn’t realised that Tony is in fact here. Knowing what my brother would want I grab Tony and pull him away from clay. I walk til we’re out in the corridor before he even has a chance to say anything I blurt out ‘I don’t know what you doing here. But my brother made it clear that you aren’t his friend a good few month ago. I don’t have a problem with you personally. But leave my brother alone. He’s not well right now some bug or something. Jesus Christ go back to your boyfriend or whatever I don’t care but fucking leave now’. Feeling bad but knowing it’s the right thing to do I turn to leave when what I hear stops me in my tracks Tony says ‘I heard. I heard it all you asking him why and everything he said. Please don’t make me leave. I’m begging you let me see him. I have to talk to him. Justin I can’t live without him. Me and Caleb we were only ever friends with benefits. He wanted to make his ex jealous so went and told people I was his boyfriend. I just made sure no one would be able to tell. I had to make it look like Caleb meant something to me. At least then Clay would never known how I really felt about him. Never would he have known he was the love of my life. Never would he ever have to feel uncomfortable being around me because his gay friend who was in love with him’. Tony being someone that doesn’t show emotions is distressed and in bits. Not knowing how Clay will act but knowing it might help in some way I nod my head and say ‘talk to him. So help me god you upset him and I will fucking kill you. Maybe you can help him in some way heal. I’m going to find mine and Clays parents get them to come home so you both can have a chat. Text me and let me know how it goes. Don’t hurt him please’. Tony chokes out a thank you and sprints to clays room. Crossing my fingers I just hope everything goes well.

 

**Tony’s POV**

It’s been a few month since me and Clay actually spoke. It hurts not knowing what’s going on with him. Not knowing whether he actually meant what he said or what. When I found out from his neighbour that Clay had been rushed to hospital I came straight here. As I approached clays bay and went to pull the curtain back I heard justin asking why and what clay said well and truly broke my fucking heart. After Justin had practically dragged me into the corridor and spoke to me, I walk into his room. I see him fast asleep. I walk over to the seat grab onto his hand and sit down and cry into his chest. It feels like my heart is being ripped out the fact that I could have lost this beautiful boy and he would never of known what I felt about him. Half an hour later I feel a hand stroke my head. I lean back and hell the tears haven’t stopped in what feels like ages. I see he’s awake I lean back on his chest and close my eyes. I say ‘I’m so fucking sorry Clay. Please don’t interrupt me while I’m speaking hear me out. I heard what you said to Justin. I heard everything. I’m so sorry about Jeff and Hannah. I wish you hadn’t lost any of them. But your doing them so proud. Your so strong. No matter what happens you keep fighting. You didn’t deserve to lose your first love before you even had a chance to be together. It breaks my heart hearing you sound so broken. As for what Bryce the fucking horrible sick parasite bastard done. I wanted to kill him as soon as I heard what he had done to you. That fucking piece of shit that he is I fucking hate him and if I seen him dying on a street I would leave him. Scum like that don’t deserve to breathe the same air as us. Karmas a bitch and I wholeheartedly believe he will get what’s coming to him. I will do everything in my power to help you get through this. No matter what I will be by your side I’m never leaving you again. I promise you Clay Jensen. As for what you said about me and Caleb. It’s not true. We aren’t together. All we were is friends with benefits. He wanted to make his ex jealous. I needed to make it look real not just because of that but also you. I didn’t want you hating me your gay friend that’s in love with you. The friend that meant everything to me. I was heartbroken when you said that to me. I soon realised that something might be going on I kept trying to work out what it was. I know you think your betraying Jeff’s memory by having feelings for me. But your not he would want you to be happy. But if you can’t then I still want to be in your life. Please don’t push me away I need you in my life. I can’t live without you in my life I will have you in anyway I can. But please don’t let Bryce be the reason you don’t want to be with me. I don’t care if we never have sex or anything because I love you. Just you and no one else’. I look up to see Clay with tears running down his face but he has a big ass smile on his face. I wait to hear what he has to say and what he does say surprises me completely. ‘I love you too Tony. I know Jeff would want me to be happy. I guess I’m just scared of losing anyone else. I can’t go through it again. Tony I can’t. My heart couldn’t take it. I would love to be with you I really would. I don’t know if I will ever be able to have sex but maybe one day I will be able to try. That’s if you still want. I’m still a little broken. There’s times your going to be sick of me and my baggage I can guarantee it’. I look at this amazing boy who has my whole heart and can’t believe what I have just heard I feel happier than I have in days ‘god I love you I really do. You won’t lose me I want to grow old with you. I don’t care about sex and if one day you feel your ready then we will deal with that when we come to it. I will help you get through it all. I want this with you’. We both smile like idiots Clay moves along and pats the bed. I climb up cuddling up to each other we drift off to sleep.


End file.
